My Mad Man Life, Lost Without Shore starts when i was born..
In that day all the people of the village were very happy, my mom says that was because they feel that i'm going to be "someone"...
"Someone like who?" - said i
Mom answer - "Someone like your father!"
"But i don't knew my father..."
"well you don't but we do"
Many years have passed and the Mad Man started to growth.
When i was 6 my mom toke me to the city.
I didn't like it, to many noise, all i want was nature!
On the next day my mom left me in my uncle's house.
He's name was William and his wife was Angela.
Angela was a school teacher, and my uncle was unemployed at the time.
When i enter in their house i only had my teddy bear (offered by my father before i was born) and the clothes on my skin.
Angela gave me a bath, i never had a hot water bath it was really nice.
After a few week's i started the primary school and william already got a job.
Everything was fine. My mom send me letters every month, sometimes some of the words were erased because of her tears...
That year was a little sad, because i missed my mom but i liked been in school.
In a normal day i get up at 7am, dress up, eat my breakfast and wait for angela to take me to school. At 4pm i was back from school.
Uncle william only wake's at 9am.
One day i come back soon than expected, it was 2pm, no one at home. I went to my bedroom, take my clothes off and went in to the shower. I forgot ed my towel so there i was naked walking around the house to my room.I opened my door and there it was my towel, i grab it and warm me up. I got close to the window and i saw my uncle coming home.
I was kinda happy when i saw him. I didnt wanna be alone at home, but i saw someone coming too. It appears to be a man, 35 years old (my uncle was 37), dark hair and from my window it appears to be tall.
I put washed clothes and went downstairs to say hello to my uncle.
When i got to the living room i eared someone crying, it was the stranger, they were saying...
"I cant handle this anymore... I'm sick and tired of this..."
"Please mike understand that i can't do nothing..."
"I know that you cant, thats why i'm sick of it!!"
"I'm so sorry we should never started thi....s...."
(Strange noise, like someone falling)
" What was that noise? is someone here?"
"No one i guess... i'm going to check"
Crap, i slept and they eared me...
"Hi Uncle william, it was me..."
"Hi nephew are you alright?"
" yes yes i'm fine..."
"what you doing were? aren't you supposed to be at school? are you hungry?"
"th... the... the teacher got sick (i lied) so i came back sooner..."
"oh ok... could you go to the kitchen for a minute please?"
"sure... sorry to bother you..."
"no problem at all. just one minute"
i started to run to the kitchen... when i got there i just listened some words of their conversation...
"...don't worry.... will not understand....."
".... hope not... bye"
"lo..."
"me too"
I eared the front door close and a few second after my uncle enter into the kitchen...
"Hey peter sorry about that..."
"Hey..."
" well do you wanna eat something? in a hour i must comeback to work.."
" yes i do"
I eated pizza with anchovies. After i finished eating he asked me if i eared something, i said i dint, he hugged me and got to work.
I dint understand what happened there.
In my tenth birthday something awful just happen. When i was coming from school with angela, we stopped on a cafe to lunch. We were seated close to the window talking. She was telling me about how i came to the house.
"Peter what you want?"
"i would like a Black tea with a cheesecake"
"wow are you sure?"
"yes today is my birthday i deserve it hahaha"
"sure you do my sweety"
"so angela what you want to tell me?"
"well some days ago i was seeing some pictures of you when you went it to this house and i decided to tell you how it was. Do you like to ear it?"
"of course i do. Thank you!"
"you welcome my darling, well let me get the photos, two seconds"
"Well were they are, lets start with this.."
"That picture inst at my mother's house?"
"yes it is, do you still remember it?"
"no i don't i just thought because the letters she send it to me smelled like beach..."
"i see if you don't wanna talk about it we can stop right now..."
"no no continue, i need to overcome this subject..."
"she died too soon... only one year after you came..."
(Mad man is fed with this stories)
"well lets get to the subject... shall we?"
"ok sweety. Well in this picture you can see you mother holding you one day before you came"
"she was so beautiful..."
"yes she was, and i felt really honored to take care you my baby"
"i guess she made a good choice"
"you're a sweety"
"thanks angela (smile)"
"Well on this picture you are already at your new house. That trip was really funny"
"what happen?"
"haha your mother hated been in the car, so every 5 minutes she said she needed to go to the bathroom haha it was a really good trip"
"oh haha and i did something?"
"oh your were so happy in that car haha you just didn't couldn't stop jumping on the seat"
"haha i don't remember nothing"
"its normal my baby it was a long time ago"
"were is that car?"
"is in our garage on the vacation house"
"someday i will drive it in honor to her. what you think?"
"i would love to see it!"
(Above the normal city noise we could ear some screams)
"someone is screaming out there. the streets today are getting to dangerous. be careful sweety"
(Really loud tire noises)
"yes i wi....lll...."
Suddenly without no obvious warning a car trying to avoid a accident, crashes into the cafe on the same window where we were talking.
I don't remember what happen on the accident just one image, imagine the driver closing is eyes inside of a car just in front you, with a expression of "oh my god im going to die"... Thats the only image i remember....
There i was in the middle of the disaster holding angela's hand trying to see something more then blood. That was the image that appeared on the newspaper the next day...
Tree months in coma, tree months in recovery after coma, tree hours of daily crying after that.
I didn't come to my surprise birthday party an i didn't come to angela's funeral...
One month after i came home i saw mike again... we has waiting for me in the front door.
I asked my uncle who has i'm, he answer me "i will explain it later".
When i went home i couldn't wish more for my bed.
My uncle wonted to tell me something i just said to him "tomorrow please im to tired" h answered "of course peter take your time".
On the next day i was eating my breakfast, special k and a orange juice, when i saw mike again.
I said to "What the well is he doing here? this is my house..."
Just right behind him enters my uncle.
"Good morning william an mike..."
"Good morning peter"
"Good morning peter..."
"Well did you slept were mike?"
"Yes i did..."
"Peter we need to talk.."
"I think we do uncle..."
"Lets finish breakfast and after it we will talk, ok?"
"ok uncle, but im taking my breakfast in my room... excuse me"
I couldn't believe it... My uncle just 6 months angela died we have already a boyfriend... what?? a boyfriend?
Wait a minute... My uncle is gay? since when? why? oh my god what its happening i came from the hospital and i have to see this?....
i finished my breakfast and drop the things through the window and started crying... this is the first point of my madness....
I cleaned my tears and went to the living room. They were looking at each other.
"I guess now we can talk... Peter i saw you throwing the plate through the window... what just happen?"
"I don't wanna talk about it..."
"Ok after we will talk about it, now i need to tell you the truth"
"I'm waiting for it for a long time..."
"Well i guess you not ok... So i need to tell you i'm gay"
"big news..."
"Please would you calm down...?"
"ok ok i will try.."
"thanks.. well, me and mike are boyfriends for about 10 years..."
"so when i got you two fighting you already were boyfriends?"
"yes peter..."
"so you were cheating angela all this time?"
"nooooo i couldn't do that!"
"no? so what you doing for the past 10 years?"
"look this is not easy peter but i will tell you... Angela and i got married because we need it to... Our parents wanted to marry, but im gay and she was in love with someone else..."
"hum..."
"ok lets continue... We tried to escape from our parents but we couldn't... we were married not because we wanted... "
"why i only saw mike one time?"
"That was because mike had a job offer in europe and he come back only now..."
"i guess you could have told sooner, no?"
"angela didn't want to, she thought you could be gay to..."
"ohh.. ok... i guess i need to say sorry... sorry for reacting like that, i don't fell fine..."
"i know that peter, thats why i dint said nothing..."
" so i guess you don't fell sorry for angela's death..."
"nonsense, i really miss her. She was my guidance star, i really do miss her..."
"so do hi..."
"lets talk about something good! tomorrow you star school again! are you happy?"
"yes! i really miss learning!"
Until i was 17 years old my life was normal, my heart still cry for angela, she was the mother i lost... So now i am 17 just like the same when i was 10, but not for so long.
I was in love, in love, just in love. In love with who you said? in love with a boy!
Angela dint want me to be gay but i guess that is what i am...
Jason... Jason "the cool" its is name... how could i be in love with the most popular guy in school ?
I wish i had someone to talk about it... i really miss you angela....
I was in love with im and he was in love with me! i just didn't knew that yet.
One day i was taking a shower after a awful gymnastic class and jason was there to.
I freak out! i got an instant erection, thank god we were the only person in there, but still there he was...
He saw me... e got close to me and laugh about it and said:
"I think you like being in the showers?"
"oh i love it (im going to die....)"
"it looks like it!"
i was so embarrassed... he looked at me and kiss me!
I felt his penis touching me, i got mad!
we make out for the first time in the showers.
On the next day he grab me and kiss me in every obscure part of the school, we kiss me after school, i took im home and make out with i'm again. I was in love, we date for 6 months it was the best time of my life, but someday the day come.
It was the so long farewell day... he left a post-it on the front door of my house... "I need to go, i ddin't told you but i dont wanna be with you anymore... sorry with love jason!".
I still have that post-it...
I got sick, i couldn't stop thinking about im, i was feeling so bad... i just wanted him so much... i wanted him to say "i love you" again.. oh god how i missed those words...
Two weeks passed and i still was crying, every drop of tears were full of my insane decease growing on me...
I found my cure, heroine....
I found it in my uncle closet, i hated but a few minutes after the feeling was so good that i wished i never stop feeling it.
A few weeks before my eighteen birtday, eight years since angela's death, i left home, my uncle discovered me and wanted to put me in rehab. I didnt wanna, i just wanna more heroine...
I grab is car and went to the beach house, i grab all the value stuff so i can have money.
There i was in a hungover on the living room of the beach house...
I need more money so i search all over the place for money, nothing.
Desperate i went into the garage and i saw the car that changed my hole life!
I search all over the car for some coins, nothing all i found was a letter...
I needed stuff i just cant handle it, i was too addicted and no one cared about me...
I fainted... when i woke up i close all of the doors and put the engine working, trying to forget the world but nothing was working. Now my madness has unstoppable... i couldn't see no shore for me... no one could set me free...
But how im telling you my resumed story ?
Yes i didn't died, bill the neighbors son saw the smoke coming out of the garage and open it just in time. We pull me out of the garage pushing me by my feet, in my hand it has my mom's letter.
I said hello to bill and fainted again...
I woke up in a strange room. Wooden floor and wooden sealing, it looks like an attic, but from who?
I couldn't move, i had ropes preventing me form escaping... i need it drugs. I started screaming!
No one was there, were i'm i ?
In front of me it was a wall, on my right a window and some fruits, on my left on the table there it was my mom's letter... What did she said ?
I was questioning me about it, still when i was in a struggle to set me free.
Someone enter the room, i started asking were am i, but i didn't had any answer... i fell asleep, i was to tired...
I stayed in that room for about 6 months... i passed my birthday again, and still shocked with angela's death. Bill helped me surviving, i was 18 and he was 17. I just saw me a few times when i passed the summer vacations in the beach house, but still helped me. I own everything to him... and angela...
One day a said to bill that i loved him, he said "don't say things that you will regret later..." I said again, i love you bill. He started crying i hugged him, he hugged me more. I think i found my cure again, bill not heroine.
We were so happy. We stayed together for 3 years.
Now i'm 21 and still couldn't read my mom's letter.
At 22 of april at midnight was the night i died. I was waiting for bill on the beach.
That day i had on my left pocket the letter from my mom. I grab it and started to read it...
"Dear son,
My sweet dear son, i hope you find this letter sooner that i expected.
Today i leave you with you uncle william because i cant live more with you.
I wish i could change the reality of the world, but i cant do nothing...
I have lung cancer, caused from all the stupid things i did in my life.
I wish nothing wrong happened to you... if it happen would you tell me ?
I'm writing this letter by the sea, my feet receives the cold summer water at the same time wrote this to you.
I need it to leave you with your uncle because i'm alone, your father abandoned me when i found that i was pregnant from you, and i don't got to many time. Two maybe three years but nothing more. I need it to leave you the sooner i could, i didn't want you to suffer with adaptation and miss me.
I could stay all night holding you in my arms seeing you sleep, and i didn't. It was the best day of my life. I supposed you would see this letter as a letter expressing my love to you, more than a so long letter.
In my head you are saying you're first word "man", what are you seeing in now?
Did you miss me? Did you forgot me ? well i guess im not doing to know that.
I love you my son, i really going to miss you.
With love Marisol"
"Mom i love you too, i really wanted to meet you, i miss your love, i love you mom..."
I could take anymore i went in to the water! Still with my clothes, i take a deep breath and swimed until i couldn't swim more. The water has so cold.
I runaway from the water but i was so cold, when i get out of the water i was shaking with cold. I couldn't stop i was starting to dye of hypothermia. Why it was today ?
Why it was on the day i read my mother's letter?
Why when i fell happy with bill?
Why when im cured from the drugs?
Why? Why? WHY?
I still don't know why,
now its too late,
because i'm gonna die.
(This is a special edition for my 50th post in this blog. I really care about your opinion, if you want comment, maybe someday i will write the large version.)
I don't remember what happen on the accident just one image, imagine the driver closing is eyes inside of a car just in front you, with a expression of "oh my god im going to die"... Thats the only image i remember....
There i was in the middle of the disaster holding angela's hand trying to see something more then blood. That was the image that appeared on the newspaper the next day...
Tree months in coma, tree months in recovery after coma, tree hours of daily crying after that.
I didn't come to my surprise birthday party an i didn't come to angela's funeral...
One month after i came home i saw mike again... we has waiting for me in the front door.
I asked my uncle who has i'm, he answer me "i will explain it later".
When i went home i couldn't wish more for my bed.
My uncle wonted to tell me something i just said to him "tomorrow please im to tired" h answered "of course peter take your time".
On the next day i was eating my breakfast, special k and a orange juice, when i saw mike again.
I said to "What the well is he doing here? this is my house..."
Just right behind him enters my uncle.
"Good morning william an mike..."
"Good morning peter"
"Good morning peter..."
"Well did you slept were mike?"
"Yes i did..."
"Peter we need to talk.."
"I think we do uncle..."
"Lets finish breakfast and after it we will talk, ok?"
"ok uncle, but im taking my breakfast in my room... excuse me"
I couldn't believe it... My uncle just 6 months angela died we have already a boyfriend... what?? a boyfriend?
Wait a minute... My uncle is gay? since when? why? oh my god what its happening i came from the hospital and i have to see this?....
i finished my breakfast and drop the things through the window and started crying... this is the first point of my madness....
I cleaned my tears and went to the living room. They were looking at each other.
"I guess now we can talk... Peter i saw you throwing the plate through the window... what just happen?"
"I don't wanna talk about it..."
"Ok after we will talk about it, now i need to tell you the truth"
"I'm waiting for it for a long time..."
"Well i guess you not ok... So i need to tell you i'm gay"
"big news..."
"Please would you calm down...?"
"ok ok i will try.."
"thanks.. well, me and mike are boyfriends for about 10 years..."
"so when i got you two fighting you already were boyfriends?"
"yes peter..."
"so you were cheating angela all this time?"
"nooooo i couldn't do that!"
"no? so what you doing for the past 10 years?"
"look this is not easy peter but i will tell you... Angela and i got married because we need it to... Our parents wanted to marry, but im gay and she was in love with someone else..."
"hum..."
"ok lets continue... We tried to escape from our parents but we couldn't... we were married not because we wanted... "
"why i only saw mike one time?"
"That was because mike had a job offer in europe and he come back only now..."
"i guess you could have told sooner, no?"
"angela didn't want to, she thought you could be gay to..."
"ohh.. ok... i guess i need to say sorry... sorry for reacting like that, i don't fell fine..."
"i know that peter, thats why i dint said nothing..."
" so i guess you don't fell sorry for angela's death..."
"nonsense, i really miss her. She was my guidance star, i really do miss her..."
"so do hi..."
"lets talk about something good! tomorrow you star school again! are you happy?"
"yes! i really miss learning!"
Until i was 17 years old my life was normal, my heart still cry for angela, she was the mother i lost... So now i am 17 just like the same when i was 10, but not for so long.
I was in love, in love, just in love. In love with who you said? in love with a boy!
Angela dint want me to be gay but i guess that is what i am...
Jason... Jason "the cool" its is name... how could i be in love with the most popular guy in school ?
I wish i had someone to talk about it... i really miss you angela....
I was in love with im and he was in love with me! i just didn't knew that yet.
One day i was taking a shower after a awful gymnastic class and jason was there to.
I freak out! i got an instant erection, thank god we were the only person in there, but still there he was...
He saw me... e got close to me and laugh about it and said:
"I think you like being in the showers?"
"oh i love it (im going to die....)"
"it looks like it!"
i was so embarrassed... he looked at me and kiss me!
I felt his penis touching me, i got mad!
we make out for the first time in the showers.
On the next day he grab me and kiss me in every obscure part of the school, we kiss me after school, i took im home and make out with i'm again. I was in love, we date for 6 months it was the best time of my life, but someday the day come.
It was the so long farewell day... he left a post-it on the front door of my house... "I need to go, i ddin't told you but i dont wanna be with you anymore... sorry with love jason!".
I still have that post-it...
I got sick, i couldn't stop thinking about im, i was feeling so bad... i just wanted him so much... i wanted him to say "i love you" again.. oh god how i missed those words...
Two weeks passed and i still was crying, every drop of tears were full of my insane decease growing on me...
I found my cure, heroine....
I found it in my uncle closet, i hated but a few minutes after the feeling was so good that i wished i never stop feeling it.
A few weeks before my eighteen birtday, eight years since angela's death, i left home, my uncle discovered me and wanted to put me in rehab. I didnt wanna, i just wanna more heroine...
I grab is car and went to the beach house, i grab all the value stuff so i can have money.
There i was in a hungover on the living room of the beach house...
I need more money so i search all over the place for money, nothing.
Desperate i went into the garage and i saw the car that changed my hole life!
I search all over the car for some coins, nothing all i found was a letter...
I needed stuff i just cant handle it, i was too addicted and no one cared about me...
I fainted... when i woke up i close all of the doors and put the engine working, trying to forget the world but nothing was working. Now my madness has unstoppable... i couldn't see no shore for me... no one could set me free...
But how im telling you my resumed story ?
Yes i didn't died, bill the neighbors son saw the smoke coming out of the garage and open it just in time. We pull me out of the garage pushing me by my feet, in my hand it has my mom's letter.
I said hello to bill and fainted again...
I woke up in a strange room. Wooden floor and wooden sealing, it looks like an attic, but from who?
I couldn't move, i had ropes preventing me form escaping... i need it drugs. I started screaming!
No one was there, were i'm i ?
In front of me it was a wall, on my right a window and some fruits, on my left on the table there it was my mom's letter... What did she said ?
I was questioning me about it, still when i was in a struggle to set me free.
Someone enter the room, i started asking were am i, but i didn't had any answer... i fell asleep, i was to tired...
I stayed in that room for about 6 months... i passed my birthday again, and still shocked with angela's death. Bill helped me surviving, i was 18 and he was 17. I just saw me a few times when i passed the summer vacations in the beach house, but still helped me. I own everything to him... and angela...
One day a said to bill that i loved him, he said "don't say things that you will regret later..." I said again, i love you bill. He started crying i hugged him, he hugged me more. I think i found my cure again, bill not heroine.
We were so happy. We stayed together for 3 years.
Now i'm 21 and still couldn't read my mom's letter.
At 22 of april at midnight was the night i died. I was waiting for bill on the beach.
That day i had on my left pocket the letter from my mom. I grab it and started to read it...
"Dear son,
My sweet dear son, i hope you find this letter sooner that i expected.
Today i leave you with you uncle william because i cant live more with you.
I wish i could change the reality of the world, but i cant do nothing...
I have lung cancer, caused from all the stupid things i did in my life.
I wish nothing wrong happened to you... if it happen would you tell me ?
I'm writing this letter by the sea, my feet receives the cold summer water at the same time wrote this to you.
I need it to leave you with your uncle because i'm alone, your father abandoned me when i found that i was pregnant from you, and i don't got to many time. Two maybe three years but nothing more. I need it to leave you the sooner i could, i didn't want you to suffer with adaptation and miss me.
I could stay all night holding you in my arms seeing you sleep, and i didn't. It was the best day of my life. I supposed you would see this letter as a letter expressing my love to you, more than a so long letter.
In my head you are saying you're first word "man", what are you seeing in now?
Did you miss me? Did you forgot me ? well i guess im not doing to know that.
I love you my son, i really going to miss you.
With love Marisol"
"Mom i love you too, i really wanted to meet you, i miss your love, i love you mom..."
I could take anymore i went in to the water! Still with my clothes, i take a deep breath and swimed until i couldn't swim more. The water has so cold.
I runaway from the water but i was so cold, when i get out of the water i was shaking with cold. I couldn't stop i was starting to dye of hypothermia. Why it was today ?
Why it was on the day i read my mother's letter?
Why when i fell happy with bill?
Why when im cured from the drugs?
Why? Why? WHY?
I still don't know why,
now its too late,
because i'm gonna die.
(This is a special edition for my 50th post in this blog. I really care about your opinion, if you want comment, maybe someday i will write the large version.)
